Oh, friends! Yesterday, 14 years of photos, memories, and fairly funny memes all disappeared as FB decided to disable my account.
Not suspend.
No put on hold.
Just disabled. Poof. Up in smoke. Gone with the wind. Vanished!! Ugh!!!!
Want to know what frustration feels like? Have someone come and take every single one of your writing utensils as you’re in the middle of crafting the most beautiful piece of art you’ve ever created. Yep.
So, what now? Well, after I finished whining and pouting because it took years to build the community of friends and family I had, I must start anew. What that look like, a whole new page and countless hours rebuilding the work tirelessly put into the groups I help. Double ugh.
Well, friends, if you read this and see a new friend request from one J.M. Disser, yes that is in fact me. But, just in case social media loses its mind (again), definitely like and subscribe to the blog. At least then when insane strikes my life, because it always does, you’ll still be able to keep up with the Crew.
Welp, the Indiana house is under contract. FINALLY!!! *cue the confetti* Woohoo! Oh yeah! That’s right! We’re under contract…
But….
Now, we have to find a home here. Dun dun Dunnnnn!!! In case you haven’t figured it out, I have a slight flair for the dramatic. At least when I’m writing.
We love our new home town. The people are awesome. Life is simpler. Slower. Kinder. Everything we dreamed of when our kids were younger but we couldn’t quite attain. The only piece missing is a house. A home to call our own. An address that says, yep, they belong to our town. Permanence. Ya know?
We all (meaning the three amigos who made this journey) want for home. We want our space. But, there may be varying levels of push there. The teenager wanted a space to call her own nine weeks ago. LOL! If it were up to her, we’d have had a house, painted and unpacked the day we got to town. To say she’s a little excited the house back east finally sold would be like saying Chicagoans were just a little excited when we won the World Series.
The hubby and I have been looking. And weighing options. And discussing until we are blue in the face. Or at least until my head starts to hurt and I throw up my hands and walk away. We know what we want. It’s the finding part that’s difficult.
See, in those non-existent adulting classes, they never teach you about things like house hunting, renting until buying, or building a home. Theres no class on what to do when you’ve sold your house but can’t quite find a new one that suits. In only someone gave lessons on these things. Then we wouldn’t be trying to figure out what option is best.
And did I mention it’s kinda slim pickens here where houses are concerned? As much as I love my family, we three will kill each other in 900 square feet. It’ll be like The Hunger Games and Max Max all rolled into one. And I’m pretty sure the teenager will come out on top.
We are walking a delicate line of how much renovation is too much renovation versus do we find land and build. Then, it’s if we find land, how much land and when would we be able to build. Somehow it morphs into what do we build and do we try and do most of the work ourselves. Because you know we are insane like that. Do you see why I end up walking away desperately trying not to pull my hair out?
Dude, decision making as an adult is not fun. I miss when my hardest decision of the day was what to have for lunch. And some days, that was a tough one!
So, as excited as I am that one chapter is finally (said with a dramatic head and eye roll) coming to a close, I am equally terrified of the next chapter. We gotta decided whether we buy (and renovate), rent and buy later (and more than likely renovate), or rent and maybe find some land to potentially build. Oy!
What will we choose? Stay tuned cuz I don’t even know….
Even Jesus had a few bad days. And got by with a little help from his friends.
Now, before y’all start jumping all over me, calling for my head, hear me out. Jesus came down to live the life of a man. He was born as all men are born. Grew slowly as we humans grow. He had a mom and a dad. Siblings. He worked. He slept. He laughed. He cried.
I mean tears were shed at the news of Lazarus passing. Grant it, He did resurrect Lazarus. But he felt that pain of loss just like the rest of us. You can’t tell me He didn’t have a few just off, odd, bad days. Not so bad that a friend dies, but the kind we suffer through regularly.
Kid brings home a bad grade and now you’ve gotta put on the mean parent face. And suddenly everyone is angry. Car gets hit in the parking lot and not so much as a note is left. Work fire after work fire crops up and you don’t have enough water to put them out. Those kind of bad days.
But, when we have those days, there’s hopefully someone we can turn to. Yes, we can turn to God. But, I mean a flesh and bone human you can call and vent to about the crumby day you’re surviving through. I’ll bet Jesus got by with a little help from his friends just like we do.
The sulky teen and I had this discussion today. Really, it was more like I had a long stream of consciousness thought out loud and she was just present to hear it. Her day went a little left and caused some serious sulking. (Which I am not a fan of but that’s a whole different conversation) She doesn’t like to talk when things go wrong. A lesson I wish I’d learned long before my thirties and one I’m trying to teach her young.
I had to remind her that we don’t need to figure it all out on our own. That’s why there are parents and siblings and friends surrounding us. Then, I had to go be all deep-thought inducing and pointed out my thoughts on Jesus needing his people too because I’m willing to bet he had bad days and needed an ear too.
She looked at me like I had two heads as I rambled on about everybody needing somebody sometimes. I totally just sang the entire song in my head. I digress. I had to remind her that we aren’t supposed to do it all on our own. That even Jesus probably had an off day and talked to his mom. Or poured out life’s blahs to a friend. I mean, if he was meant to live as man do, wouldn’t that include an off day or two and a little venting to someone he trusted?
I’m sure my kids think I’m nuts. Anyone reading this might also question my sanity. I can promise that some of it is still in tact. I do have five kids after all! LOL! But, to me, it makes perfect sense. When Jesus had an off day, he found the ear of someone he trusted and let it out. If only I could get my kids to understand that lesson.
Dude, this momming stuff is rough, she sighs as she feels another hair turn gray….😂
Moving across the country isn’t easy. Doing it with a teenager is daunting. Moving across the country with an emotionally charged teenager is like wrapping your hand around a lit firecracker and hoping you pull back and all of your fingers are still attached. While she had an off day this week, that wasn’t even the most daunting part of the week.
Finding out the house we’d put an offer on has to be let go as the sellers are in a position where they need to sell. That was painful. Seeing three different potential buyers decide not to put an offer on your house after getting your hopes up. That’s downright hurtful.
When the hubs told me we’d have to let go of the house we’d fallen in love with, tears threatened and spilled. Slowly. Quietly. But they spilled nonetheless. For so long I’d held myself in check. I didn’t plan too much. Didn’t paint or decorate it. Just let it linger in the corner of my mind. As we drove down two weeks ago, I painted the living room in my mind. I made lists of supplies I’d need to add board and batten throughout the lower level. I imagined built-ins in the family room. And the walk-in pantry we are going to build….a thing of beauty. I got my hopes up. I got ahead of God.
And slipped on my own expectations. So, after I let my few tears spill, I reeled in my emotions. And my expectations. I wanted things my way.
Through this whole process, my mantra has been “whatever God has for us is what will be”. Surely, He wanted us to have the house we loved. Right? lol. One of my biggest challenges has been trying to make my expectations be His plan. Oh, I know better. I do. But it doesn’t stop me from thinking what I want is clearly what He wants as well.
Am I sad we won’t be settling into the house we’d fallen in love with. Yup. Am I irritated our house back east hasn’t sold yet. You betcha. And I questioning why God hasn’t moved us on in this journey? Nope. I know there’s a plan. His plan. I just have to be patient and stop trying to make His plan fit my expectations.
And until the next steps are revealed, I’ll let it go. And let Him work….
Excuse my U2 moment lol! Somehow we are on the 8th day of a new year. I feel like I’ve lived six months in the last ten days! Life has been moving at warp speed and I find myself floundering at times. Toss in a couple of snow days for the Duchess and life is truly tipsy-turvy.
I’m a generally organized soul. I have a paper planner I love and use daily. It quite literally looks like a pencil exploded all over it. I set reminders on digital calendars and in my phone. I make lists. Create checklists. Create goals. All the things. But….
Our cross-country move, house limbo, and wonky adjustment has me feeling discombobulated. (I just love that word) For those just meeting me, hi! I’m Jamonica and I’m a recovering perfectionist with stress induced obsessive compulsive tendencies! I like schedules and order and exist in a universe of discipline and to-do lists. Paints a pretty picture, doesn’t it?
Our host family is amazing. We couldn’t have asked for better people to literally open their home to us and our messy teenager. (I love her but she’s a mess) But, my life is in boxes. Literally. I find myself looking for ways to be useful. To clean something. Or cook something. Or help in some way because I’m the person that does that sort of thing. I did the cooking and the cleaning and running of the things! I did laundry today and almost felt normal! And please know, I’d rather do dishes all day than do laundry!
Combating the feeling of unsettled listlessness has been tough. Creeping thoughts of freeloading prickle the back of my mind. Worry dogs my steps. Am I not doing enough? Are we in the way? Is the Princess driving them crazy? What more can I do? My mind is often a terrifying place to live.
On those days, I take ten and hide in the bathroom. Then I take a few deep breaths and remind myself that doubt and fear are not who I am. That our situation is only temporary. And that things like this aren’t meant to break me but build me, strengthen me, and grow me. Now, if I could just get the teenager to make her bed🙄
I will be forever grateful for the family who only met us once and opened their hearts and homes to the three of us. And, I’ll be equally excited when we sell our house back east and begin to settle into a home and further settle into our new community.
Now, to go finish listening to Beautiful Day so I’m not singing it all night in my sleep….
Tonight we were invited to the high school basketball game. Just like that. Day six and already we are folded into invitations for basketball games and ice cream afterwards. Life is very different here.
Back east, as I’ve decided to call our former life, it felt like we weren’t good enough to be invited to things. Oh, we’d hear all about the dinner dates with groups and basketball games and even the joint vacations. Rarely, if ever, did we get invited.
The hubs and I used to sit and wonder what it was about us that made us so uninvitable (yes, I’m very aware I just made up a word lol). We only lived 45 minutes from our church. We drove it all the time so clearly we would make the drive if asked. But, it always seems like people didn’t want to drive to where we were either. Almost like we lived in a foreign country. Dude, it was Indiana not Afghanistan.
We made plans with friends for dinners dates but more often than not people declined our invites out to Disser Manor. We often felt like the not thought of after thought.
Then we moved to a small town. And grant it, we are the shiny new toy in the kindergarten room, something tells me the invites won’t stop. I’m kinda looking forward to it. I want to be enveloped into the community. I want to feel apart of all the things.
And then Cait gets invited to the dance by a bunch of friends. Just like that. Jer and I were hesitant. I mean she’s the really pretty, shiny, sweet new toy in the toy box so we’re worried about kids taking advantage of that. We’ve both been the new kid more than enough times to know just how kids really can be.
But, maybe that’s the perk small town life. Things move loads slower. Everything is five minutes away. Seven of more than two cars are at a stop sign. Days stretch longer. Everybody knows everybody. Everybody calls you friend. (If you know the one reference, we can definitely be friends)
Day six of the new year was a good one. Today was a good day.
Like the kind of day where you truly want to jump in the car and drive away. Like want to cry and scream and laugh while running away. That kind of day.
I should have known when I missed my alarm, after getting the ice delay call, that it was gonna be that kind of day. What I should have done was crawled back into bed and hid under the covers. It’s what I would have done had I known what was coming next.
Our teenager, bless her heart, started the day in tears. I’m talking can’t get intelligible words out, face contorted, loud sobbing tears. My sweet girl had all the emotions and then some this morning. Why? She misses her best friend. Sigh. She misses the person she’s seen almost everyday for the last three years. Her other half to the crazy show. Her person. I get that. I do.
After an hour of calming, coaxing, reasoning, rationalizing, reassuring, and all the other things I do as mom, I gave up. I quit. I’m not proud because I don’t give up or give in. But, today I did. I didn’t have it in me to badger her into clothes and drive her sobbing into school. Day two was a no go.
My frustration peaked. I called reinforcements. And wanted to strangle him and his calm voice through the phone. lol. Tears of frustration burned my eyes. Feelings of failure clogged my throat. I’m mom. I fix the things. I help. I heal the hurts. But, today I couldn’t do any of those things.
Before we made this transition, I knew things were going to be challenging. I’d have been an idiot to think otherwise. And the planning me, created plots and scenarios in preparation for it. And I still couldn’t get my daughter off to school on her second day.
Life has an uncanny way of testing us. Of pulling at us in ways we never imagined. Did I imagine a cross-country move during the freshman year of our last kid at home? Nope. Definitely did not. It’s how we deal with those tests that defines us. Frustration, tears, sadness don’t make us less. But wallowing in them makes us miserable.
So, after I swiped my own frustrated tears away, I told my daughter I’d back off, emailed the school, and moved on with my day. This is just one day. One piece in this wild new puzzle we are putting together. Hopefully, with more hugs, snuggles, and sleep, tomorrow will be a better day.
Just kidding! For all of my fellow nerds, I hope you got a good chuckle there. For everyone else, I’m sorry your childhood was boring.
Well, we’ve survived three days of 2024 in our new hometown. In some ways it feels like we’ve been here for weeks. Moving around town already feels familiar. Seeing people we know at Wal-Mart feels normal.
And, in other ways it all feels really foreign. Dropping Cait off at school at 8 instead of 645. Popping in to have lunch with Jer at work. Seeing daylight at 5:30 in the evening!!
Today I actually felt like I had usable brain cells. I managed to work and handle tasks without the threat of tears. Mind you, I don’t cry often so for me to feel so off kilter I wanted to cry is pretty big.
Yesterday, I couldn’t seem to quite catch my bearings. I dropped a full soda on the ground yesterday and dang near broke down. Definitely not me. There were moments I literally stared at my computer as if it were going reveal the answers to life. I tried starting my Jeep with the wrong keys. It was just an off day.
Our new normal isn’t quite normal just yet. There’s still so much hanging in the ether. The old house. The new house. School changes. Friends. But, I know it’ll get better as each day passes. There may be some random days where not knowing the layout of the Wal-Mart might send me into a fit. I’m a slow one to accept major changes lol. Still, I wouldn’t trade our decision to leave everything we knew and strike out into the unknown.
Life looks wildly different this New Years Day. Last year I’m pretty sure we were chowing down on pizza watching a Marvel movie marathon. This year we are taking up space in the home of an awesome family 900 miles southwest. That’s a pretty huge change. Like major!
There are moments when I stop and seriously question our sanity and every decision made in the last six months. Like the decision to wholeheartedly support my hubby’s pull into full time ministry. My logical mind was screaming “but what about the money?!?” (Insert whiny tears and hair pulling here) The faith driven part of my brain shrugged and said “welp, if that’s what God is telling him, who am I to argue?” I’m pretty sure if anyone could actually hear my thoughts for a day, just one day, they’d wonder if I secretly did drugs. I assure you, I do not. I’m waaaayyyy too much of a control freak for that.
Then there’s the decision to leave behind everything we know and quite literally start over. New town. New state. New house. Well, we are still working on the new house thing. Just so you know, it’s insane to try and sell a house during the holiday season. Lesson learned. For the Duchess, it means new school, new activities, and a new schedule. She literally jumped for joy when I told her school started at eight and she would get to sleep until at least six thirty each morning!
For Jer, the fun begins with a new job. New office. New coworkers. And new responsibilities he can’t wait to tackle. He’s been working toward this for six years. Every Wednesday night in youth, men’s conference, and hour spent volunteering at church has prepared him for this new role. And just like the teenager, he too is jumping for joy at the prospect of more sleep.
For me, not much changes. Sure, I’ll be in a new town, new state, new house (hopefully soon). But, I’ll be doing the same things I already did. Just in a new town, new state, new house. Being temporarily housed by a host family is a strange land to navigate for me. When I’m usually the one preparing and cleaning and doing all the things, there’s someone else doing all the things. I’m feeling a little at odds. Ok a lot at odds.
Here’s the thing. Five years ago, this entire situation would have freaked me out. Like had me hiding in the bathroom, secretly chewing my nails with a smile plastered on my face while having a string of anxiety attacks. Lacking control is not my favorite thing. But, I’ve learned I’m not really ever in control.
You know that Carrie Underwood song Jesus Take the Wheel? Yep, that’s me. I refuse to freak out too much because God’s got me. For a lot of people, the concept of life being guided by an unseen force would be unimaginable. For a while, I was one of them.
When I stopped trying to force life down the path I drew, suddenly things started working out. When I stopped insisting on controlling every single aspect of everything around me, the things I would have worried about took care of themselves. The things I prayed over, rather than worried over, fell into place. That’s God.
So, our house needs to sell. We need to buy a new one. I’m living out of boxes and part of my wardrobe is riding in the back of a Jeep. I have no clue how each day will shape up. And I’m not worried about it. My God is bigger than any worry I can have. And He always delivers.
We are down to two Sundays left here. Two. It’s wild to think about. There’s an underlying excitement. A buzz along the skin. A hum in the blood. Looking forward. Charging into the unknown. (Feel free to start singing – if you know you know).
And, with that excitement, there’s a sadness. Tears that threaten. Hearts that squeeze and ache. Sighs as thoughts overtake you. The prospect is bittersweet. But the future is bright.
Jer gave his farewell at church today. This man is a walking emotion. I always joke that he and the teenager have all of them and I just wrangle them. I sat in the sound booth watching every emotion crawl across his face. The catch in his throat sent me launching myself out of seat. Down the stairs I flew like a flash. Tossed open the doors. Hastened to his side.
Gripping his hand, I could feel his breath steadying and his heart rate calm. I’m his rock. His steadying force. His lighthouse. I stood beside him as he shared the next steps in our journey. While most of the people in the room knew, many didn’t know just how soon life was seriously changing.
Christmas Eve will be our last Sunday at Christian Hills Church. The last time I walk up those steps to the worship stage. The last time I laugh at our worship team antics. The last time I look out from the stage and into the faces of people I have had the pleasure of calling family for a decade. It will be end of a chapter. A beautiful, full, memory filled chapter.
jamonicad 